New Blog

I have a new blog that I'm doing to journal Chase's life and all that I'm learning about God through the grieving process...Feel free to check it out. http://chaselukens.blogspot.com

My flexible boy

Aiden is no longer a baby. A few weeks ago, when we lost Chase, this became all too apparent to me. We shipped Aiden from person to person, and thankfully had some friends from our church who live nearby who were more than willing to keep him on a moments notice. And after a trip to the ER, and then my water breaking and a trip to my OB, they proved that they really mean a "moments notice".

In all of the tumult, Aiden never complained. We had friends from our home group putting him down at night and staying with him. He spent another night with my mom. And a couple of his days were spent with his friend "Baby Alex". Baby Alex's parents were the ones who were so kind about taking Aiden in on a moments notice.

Most kids would've had a rough time with so much upheaval. Especially kids that are used to a stay-at-home mom who has always been around. I think the most I've ever been away from him before this was a night that we left him at my mom's last year. Not Aiden though, he was just thrilled to be playing with his "friends".

I'm thankful. I think the ordeal of losing one son would have been so much worse if I'd been worried about my firstborn son.

Today he showed one of the first signs of clinginess when he wouldn't let me put him in the nursery at church. I think it's a result of the tumultuous 3 weeks we've had. Instead of going to nursery, he chose to sit quietly on my lap throughout our entire service. I couldn't believe how well-behaved he was. In some ways, I'm glad he's growing up and I'm excited to see what his 3rd year of life will bring, but I'm sad to see this first stage end.

About our son, Chase

This is the Eulogy from Chase's memorial service, the picture below is Chase's hand and Mike's finger:


Mike and I wanted to give you all the opportunity to know our son, Chase. He is the baby that we'd yearned for for two long years. We fell in love with him under a microscope--because we had to undergo IVF to conceive him. We saw him at 6 weeks with his heart beating strong. We saw him again at 8 1/2 weeks when his arms and legs were just forming. At 10 weeks we got another peek into the womb where those arms and legs were fully formed and he waved them around in a special baby dance. At 14 weeks we heard his sweet heartbeat for the first time--the special swishing made our hearts fill with joy because at last we'd made it through the treacherous first trimester and we could make plans.

Over the next four weeks I felt Chase flutter and roll inside of me--he was so active and alive! when Mike was around I'd greet the flutters with a loud, "Hi baby!" so he could know our baby was awake. Then came our first emergency ultrasound. We were so worried, but there was our little boy--we could see that now--lounging in my belly. We could see Aiden in the profile and Chase sucked on his fingers--even flipped around to moon us (just like daddy!). We were so relieved that he was o.k. And then my water broke, and we knew something had gone terribly wrong for our little boy.

For the next 36 hours he clung to life, and we fought for him for as long as we could. When he was born it was so silent. They cleaned him for us and brought him back in all swaddled up. He was precious! From his dimpled chin (just like daddy's) to his sweet little nose, lips and ears. His fingers and toes were perfect in detail--down to the nails that covered them. Those hours we spent holding, studying, and kissing Chase were the most bittersweet hours of our lives. The grief is raw, and there will always be a hole in our family and our hearts.

There is one prayer that I constantly lift before God on behalf of our children. When Chase was in my belly I prayed it often over him. That prayer was that his life would glorify God.

What happened to Chase was a surprise to us, but not to God. And I believe that God will use Chase's life and death to bring Himself glory. I did not want my son to die, but when I knew that death was inevitable, I still had hope, because we serve a God so in love with us, that he gave his own Son up to die in order that Chase and any who call on the name of Jesus would have eternal life. We can trust our son to a God like that! I know, I could never give my son up to die voluntarily. God did, and now our hope is that we will see Chase again one day--and better yet, we will see the One who gave us all eternal life. And that is what comforts us today. This isn't a goodbye, but a "see you later". We love you, Chase!

March Madness

After a weekend of watching basketball, our monkey has come up with a few moves...I swear, he mimics everything he sees right now. It's so much fun!

Scarlett O'Hara Syndrome

For those of you familiar with Gone With the Wind, you'll know what I mean when I say "I'll think about that tomorrow". Tomorrow never comes. It's a way of pushing things off that you don't want to deal with today. Aiden has Scarlett O'Hara Syndrome. It comes in the form of "After wunch". In Aiden-speak that means "after lunch". Of course, after lunch never comes. A normal conversation goes:

"Aiden, do you have to poo-poo on the potty?"
"No, Aiden poo-poo potty after wunch."
"But you just ate lunch."
"Aiden poo-poo potty after wunch."


Inevitably "after wunch" never comes...I hear this is normal at this age, but at some point he'll have to deal with reality. After lunch comes, tomorrow comes, and we're held accountable for our actions, by God, even if those around us choose to let us slide. Just something to think about on this very Good Friday.

Building Frustrations

Aiden is NOT known in this house for his patience. It's a minute-by-minute lesson for him some days...and a daily lesson for me as I attempt to patiently deal with the fits he throws over the smallest (in my eyes) things.

Right now he is learning to build with his blocks. It's great fun, until Aiden accidentally knocks down one of his "towers"...Then it's a full-blown fit.

Notice the green block beginning to fall. This was an accident instead of a demolition.



Now Aiden leans forward and knocks down the rest of his hard work as he proceeds to wail like a banshee.


And of course, we have to look up and see how mom is reacting. He wasn't happy to see that I was so unconcerned that I had the camera out and was snapping away.



In this picture, he is actually still voicing his extreme distress over the destruction of his building, but now that the camera is out, he's torn...Should he smile for the camera, or continue the fit so that mom is made completely aware of how upsetting the whole incident was for him?


Eventually, his love for the camera won out and he made another, bigger building and commanded me to document the builder along with the building so he could, "watch Aiden, mama".



And we're back in good spirits, for the benefit of the almighty camera.

Another milestone

It all started when Mike, not wanting to take Aiden swimming today, told Aiden that he'd take him swimming when he pooped on the potty like a big boy. This was a pretty safe promise considering that, for months now, we've been bribing the child with all sorts of wonderful things to try to get him to go on the potty, but nothing has worked.

So this morning, as Mike was in the bathroom, Aiden announced "Daddy poo poo potty, Aiden poo poo too!" At which point I ran into his playroom, (also known as his pooping cave) where he had retreated to take care of business, and asked him if he wanted to try the potty so he could go swimming. It took some convincing, but he finally agreed to give it a try. As we headed up the stairs I noticed that his diaper already looked a bit suspicious. As suspected, he'd already started his business, but was still willing to give the potty a try. And sure enough, after very little fanfare, Aiden had his first potty poo poo...Poor Mike. Bested by a 2-year old...No worries, it happens to his mother too. But despite the disappointment over having to go swimming, we are very excited about this new milestone.

I think you'll all thank me for not including pictures with this post :-)!